It is a struggle some days to live with your past and to do what is right and just. I know I am to forgive those who hurt me...seventy times seven.
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin
against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to
him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. ~ Matthew 18:21-22
I don't want to hold onto anger and hurt and yearn to forgive but sometimes those hurt feelings come back up to the surface and I have to question, have I really forgiven them?
There are times I want to yell out as the pain and heaviness on my heart feels like too much to bear. I question is this the cross/punishment I will always carry due to the weight of my sins. And yet, I know that I did not act alone. I know that I was misguided and misled in the lowest, scariest, and most confusing time of my life. Accepting that I did the best I could under those circumstances is hard and I just want to confront those I feel betrayed by and say, "You lied to me! You hurt me!"
And then I think of Jesus on the cross suffering and hurting but being so loving and gracious and I want to be like that. I wonder if I will ever get to that point when my grief is so deep and raw, when my heart is aching so severely, and when the tears keep streaming down my face.
And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” ~ Luke 23:34
I fear the dream of a happy marriage, happy home, and happy family has forever been shattered. No longer a reality for this broken girl. Even as I slowly put all the pieces back together again and work to find my own healing through God's grace and mercy, I wonder if this cross I will always bear. God, please give me the strength. Jesus, I trust in you and need your help.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in
heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and
my burden is light. ~ Matthew 11:28-30