Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Feeling Betrayed

It is a struggle some days to live with your past and to do what is right and just. I know I am to forgive those who hurt me...seventy times seven.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. ~ Matthew 18:21-22

I don't want to hold onto anger and hurt and yearn to forgive but sometimes those hurt feelings come back up to the surface and I have to question, have I really forgiven them?

There are times I want to yell out as the pain and heaviness on my heart feels like too much to bear. I question is this the cross/punishment I will always carry due to the weight of my sins. And yet, I know that I did not act alone. I know that I was misguided and misled in the lowest, scariest, and most confusing time of my life. Accepting that I did the best I could under those circumstances is hard and I just want to confront those I feel betrayed by and say, "You lied to me! You hurt me!"

And then I think of Jesus on the cross suffering and hurting but being so loving and gracious and I want to be like that. I wonder if I will ever get to that point when my grief is so deep and raw, when my heart is aching so severely, and when the tears keep streaming down my face.

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” ~ Luke 23:34

I fear the dream of a happy marriage, happy home, and happy family has forever been shattered. No longer a reality for this broken girl. Even as I slowly put all the pieces back together again and work to find my own healing through God's grace and mercy, I wonder if this cross I will always bear. God, please give me the strength. Jesus, I trust in you and need your help.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. ~ Matthew 11:28-30

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The anger inside

I am angry and that is okay.

Sometimes I get mad and that is okay.

I am mad I was coerced into an abortion.

I am mad I didn't have the emotional strength to say no.

I am mad and that is okay.


I was lied to and that makes me mad.

I was told to have the abortion to keep things secret.

I was scared due to so many lies.

I was betrayed.

The father revealed my secret.


I am angry and that is okay.

Sometimes I am mad at me.

Sometimes I am mad at him.

I am tired of being mad.

I want to be glad.


Dear God,

You are all powerful, great, and merciful. You have blessed me more than I deserve and for that I am forever thankful. But I still struggle with human weakness and need you. I need you to guide me along your path and help me to be as merciful to myself as you are to me. I kindly ask for you to wrap all those hurt by abortion in your loving embrace, to hug us and to wipe our tears away, and most importantly, to help us learn to forgive ourselves and to love ourselves again. 

In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Devastation

Why can't I remember
The most devastating day
Why can't I remember the day, the month, the year

Why can I only see
Glimpses of that time
That forever impacted me

How can I find meaning
When all I see is blank
With not a single detail shining forth

How can I move on
When the pain inside is real
And all I want to do is scream it all out

How can I find healing
When I my heart is breaking
And I still feel so mad

How can I grieve
My lost and lovely child
When I feel so full of shame

How can I honor her life
To bring it some meaning
When I am so lost