Thursday, December 7, 2017

A letter to Grace

Written in May 2017 at a abortion healing retreat

My sweetest Grace,

Today you would be about 16 if I did not make that fatal choice. I cannot believe how quickly time goes by and I know you have been with me every step of the way, through thick and thin, through denial, self destruction, self hate, and torment that were reflections of my intense loss, grief, and guilt.

My dearest child, I believe we both know it is time for me to let go and I finally see letting go of pain is not loving you less.

When your grandfather died I cried myself to sleep for weeks but eventually the tears dried. I still miss him immensely and love him the same even though I cry less. For so long I hung onto my hurt as I felt that honored you but tonight, by the grace of God, which is how you received your name, I realized hurting myself does not honor you. Your grandfather would not want me to do that and I believe you wouldn't either.

Just the other day your sister told me, "Mom, I am happy you are happy." What amazing words from a 9 year old but those words are helping me to see you would feel the same.

I would be lost without my children and know you are equally precious and adored. You each are encouraging me along the way of my life journey and inspiring me to be a better mom. You are bringing me closer to our Lord and Savior and I can't imagine anything better than that. I yearn to hear the words, "Well done good and faithful servant" and to see you in the glory of Heaven and by God's grace, I will.

I love you, Grace, and am sorry for all I have done but now choose to honor your life by doing God's will and shining His light.

Rest in peace my precious child and please pray for me, your daddy, and your sister. I will continue to pray for you and now it is time to truly accept God's grace, to love myself, to forgive myself, and to be happy.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Who am I

Who am I
And where am I from
I'll never know

Adopted and loved
Given the gift of life
From my mom

But still curious
Like a tree without roots
Desiring solid ground

Feeling very alone
No ancestry no historical roots
Who am I

Adopted and loved
A precious child of God
Nothing else matters

She choose life
Alive because she was brave
Thank you God

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Finding Harmony

I look around
and see wonders of life
and I wonder

will the echo
of regret and sorrow within
always be heard

I crave peace
harmony and love of life
deep inner peace

my heart aches
more often than I want
tears silently fall

the sorrow within
the scars will never vanish
they are me

they remind me
of loneliness and weaker days
I craved love

I did anything
just to feel the love
from those around

I was foolish
love of others is nothing
compared to God

my heart yearns
to be filled with peace
peace of God

learning to live
with my sorrow and scars
can be hard

do you understand
do you see my pain
and my joy

I can hurt
but still feel God's joy
in my heart

my cross is heavy
but I am not alone
God is near

Thank you God
for the gift of you
in my life

my heart cries
tears of joy and gratitude
ease my pain

I found harmony
in the dark and light
notes of life

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Feeling Betrayed

It is a struggle some days to live with your past and to do what is right and just. I know I am to forgive those who hurt me...seventy times seven.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. ~ Matthew 18:21-22

I don't want to hold onto anger and hurt and yearn to forgive but sometimes those hurt feelings come back up to the surface and I have to question, have I really forgiven them?

There are times I want to yell out as the pain and heaviness on my heart feels like too much to bear. I question is this the cross/punishment I will always carry due to the weight of my sins. And yet, I know that I did not act alone. I know that I was misguided and misled in the lowest, scariest, and most confusing time of my life. Accepting that I did the best I could under those circumstances is hard and I just want to confront those I feel betrayed by and say, "You lied to me! You hurt me!"

And then I think of Jesus on the cross suffering and hurting but being so loving and gracious and I want to be like that. I wonder if I will ever get to that point when my grief is so deep and raw, when my heart is aching so severely, and when the tears keep streaming down my face.

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” ~ Luke 23:34

I fear the dream of a happy marriage, happy home, and happy family has forever been shattered. No longer a reality for this broken girl. Even as I slowly put all the pieces back together again and work to find my own healing through God's grace and mercy, I wonder if this cross I will always bear. God, please give me the strength. Jesus, I trust in you and need your help.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. ~ Matthew 11:28-30

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The anger inside

I am angry and that is okay.

Sometimes I get mad and that is okay.

I am mad I was coerced into an abortion.

I am mad I didn't have the emotional strength to say no.

I am mad and that is okay.

I was lied to and that makes me mad.

I was told to have the abortion to keep things secret.

I was scared due to so many lies.

I was betrayed.

The father revealed my secret.

I am angry and that is okay.

Sometimes I am mad at me.

Sometimes I am mad at him.

I am tired of being mad.

I want to be glad.

Dear God,

You are all powerful, great, and merciful. You have blessed me more than I deserve and for that I am forever thankful. But I still struggle with human weakness and need you. I need you to guide me along your path and help me to be as merciful to myself as you are to me. I kindly ask for you to wrap all those hurt by abortion in your loving embrace, to hug us and to wipe our tears away, and most importantly, to help us learn to forgive ourselves and to love ourselves again. 

In Jesus' name I pray,

Wednesday, April 5, 2017


Why can't I remember
The most devastating day
Why can't I remember the day, the month, the year

Why can I only see
Glimpses of that time
That forever impacted me

How can I find meaning
When all I see is blank
With not a single detail shining forth

How can I move on
When the pain inside is real
And all I want to do is scream it all out

How can I find healing
When I my heart is breaking
And I still feel so mad

How can I grieve
My lost and lovely child
When I feel so full of shame

How can I honor her life
To bring it some meaning
When I am so lost

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

PTSD/PASS - Pain after abortion

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be experienced in women post abortion especially if they have kept their story silent. There is even a more specific name for this syndrome - Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS).

Some of the symptoms are:
  • Guilt which may be centered on the woman feeling she made a morally wrong choice or just fear of what others might think. This guilt can lead the woman into thinking the bad things that happen to her are just punishments for the mistake she made.
  • Anxiety in general or focused on fertility and whether or not she will be able to get pregnant again. 
  • If the woman does get pregnant again, it may be to "replace" the lost child or the pregnancy may be anxiety filled with fear of losing the child in or out of the womb. She then may experience problems bonding with the child post birth.
  • The woman struggles to relax and feels tense or has issues with dizziness, rapid/pounding heart beat, upset stomach, headaches, constant worrying, or sleep issues.
  • Avoiding children or pregnant women to avoid thinking of babies, pregnancy, or facing the emotions that may be stirred up by seeing or being around children. Related to this, is not being able to hear anything related to abortion or even being able to say the word "abortion".
  • Numbness and/or depression where feelings and emotions are suppressed to the point that the woman really doesn't feel/express joy anymore. The woman may shy away from others and fail to establish strong friendships. She may even turn to alcohol or drugs to numb her emotions.
  • Flashbacks to the time of the abortion or nightmares of the abortion and/or of children being harmed.
  • Suicidal thoughts or just feeling that her life would be better if she just died. 
If you are experiencing some of the symptoms above, please seek help. You are not alone.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Do you Hear?

Do you hear
my crying in the night
my heart grieves

Mourning my child
that once lived within me
gone now forever

I am lost
I am wandering all alone
who am I

I question myself
and all the choices I make
I lost trust

Help me God
I do not know how
to forgive myself

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Pain Within

My heart aches
My chest heavy with grief
My soul aches

My mind races
My focus comes and goes
My body heavy

My motivation wanes
My purpose in life vague
My hope wanes

My heart aches
My chest heavy with grief
My hidden pain

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Forgiven but not yet healed

The past six months or so have been a struggle. I honestly believe that my public testimonies in October and January tore at wounds and scars not fully healed. You can read about and hear my October testimony HERE and my January testimony will be posted soon.

But today I want to share a different story, a new story, the story of me figuring out that I am not as healed as I thought I was. In the past months I feel I have been falling down the dark rabbit hole into a deep depression. I was feeling hopeless, discouraged, afraid, lonely, and unmotivated. I was on edge, irritable, and honestly was beginning to annoy myself.

I reached out for help but didn't think I needed the help per se. I thought I just needed help with my struggling marriage. Coping mechanisms to deal with disappointment, frustration, and the worries of living paycheck to paycheck. I waited over a month to see the therapist and as soon as she asked, "What's up?" I broke down into tears and our discussion veered in a completely different direction.

I have no motivation to run. I can't sleep. I am having nightmares. I think of my baby every single day. My marriage is a struggle. I feel like a failure. I don't like myself. Correction, I hate myself at times.

As we discussed things deeper it came to her mind that I am still hurting. That I am stuck. That I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and need help. As soon as she said this, I agreed. I know that women who have had an abortion may experience PTSD. I always thought I kinda did but I also thought, I have it all under control. I went to a healing retreat. I am taking on an activist role. I can say the word "abortion" now and can hold a baby again. I am healed. Right? Nope. Not right.

My intense nightmares are a clue and there are so many more symptoms and the feeling that I have had in me for a very long time.

I never wanted to leave Rachel's Vineyard nearly two years ago if I remember right. Time is such a blur to me. I always felt pulled to go back. I have yearned and wished it was on island so I was closer to it and the people involved. I thought I was just trying to run and hide or to just be close to somewhere I felt safe and understood but I am getting a bigger understanding. I wanted to go back because I NEED to go back. I am not fully healed.

My protective walls and determination to move forward are holding me back....better yet, were holding me back. I didn't want all those walls to fall down. I feared and still fear what is behind them. After a prayer one day I felt God telling me that things are going to get harder for me but to have faith. That through that all will be good. I am beginning to see what the harder may be. My therapy is going to be hard. My therapist warned me and on March 13 I take the next step and get deep into my PTSD therapy. I am scared but hopeful.

It is still hard to run and I am logging many just a mile days to keep my running streak alive because I refuse to let depression, regret, etc break my running streak. I know I need to work out to keep as  many happy vibes going in my body as possible and thank you God for Beachbody and their programs that I can stream and shakes. Those are literally my life savers of fun workouts and good solid nutrition to help me through this hurdle.

I pray in the coming weeks and months that I will find the courage and strength (and words) to share on this blog and continue to speak out on the devastation abortion causes and how choosing life really matters.

Dear God,

Thank you for guiding me to Beachbody and therapy. I put my trust in you. Show me the way today to do your will, to help others who are hurting, and to grow stronger so that I may be your servant.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

SB501 - Malama Pregnancy Center needs your help

Today's post is from the Life Matters newsletter. To be on the email list, sign up via the link on the right hand column of this blog.

Today's email:

Due to the urgency of this matter, I am going to just send you the direct message from Joy Wright, Executive Director of the Malama Pregnancy Center. Please prayfully consider helping.

Here is her message and call to action:
Please help...there are two pieces of legislature (HB 663 and SB 501) set to be passed in the state of Hawaii that require non-profit pregnancy centers to refer clients to government funded agencies for state funded abortions.  If pregnancy centers do not comply they will be fined and may even face legal action.  Please become informed regarding these critical bills at Hawaii State Legislature.  
The state is about to pass a law that tells faith based non-profit pregnancy centers to violate their basic principles and religious beliefs.  The government is prohibited from compelling a faith based organization to give a message which is in direct opposition and violation of its fundamental principles. This law will  infringe on their First Amendment rights of freedom of speech and freedom of religion.  This is a blatant violation of the separation of church and state.  It is a targeted attack on faith based life-affirming pregnancy centers.  Similar laws have passed in California and Illinois recently setting precedence. 
Pregnancy Centers do not take away a women's right to choose, their mission is to provide more than one choice. Women are smart and deserve the opportunity to be informed regarding pregnancy decisions including the choice carry the preborn to term and to parent.  Pregnancy centers do not charge for their services and clearly relay that they do not perform or refer clients for abortions.  Thus, the client is not mislead regarding services offered.  Pregnancy centers love and care for the client no matter what her decision may be.  Pregnancy centers are nonprofit life-affirming faith based ministries that care about women holistically, the preborn, men, and the family unit.  Pregnancy centers should be afforded their First Amendment rights per the United States Constitution.  
Please help!  Read below to find out how...
Please prayerfully read the attached written testimony in opposition.  If you would like to submit this written testimony in opposition or your own testimony, you may do so by 8:00AM on Thursday, February 23rd.  Please log into the  Hawaii State Legislature website and search Bill SB 501. Next, you follow the submit testimony link to submit your name, city you reside in, and your testimony.
Written testimony will only be accepted until Thursday, February 23rd at 8:00AM. 
We would like to ask for 10 people to reply that you are willing to:
1.  Call, email, or write a legislature regarding these bills.
2.  Ask 5 of your friends to do the same.

Sample Testimony Letter:
Re: Senate Bill No. 501
Relating to Health

Thank you for the opportunity to testify IN OPPOSITION to SB501

Pregnancy Resource Centers are a tremendous value to our local community in Hawaii. They are pro-woman and provide safe, confidential places to those facing an unplanned pregnancy. Since all their services are free, they do not benefit financially from a woman's reproductive choice as other agencies may. They empower the women of Hawaii to make informed choices. Many women in unplanned pregnancies will tell you that they feel an abortion is their only choice. Whether you consider yourself pro-life or pro-choice, that should never be. Pregnancy Resource Centers provide, for free, needed support, services, material assistance and medical screenings so no woman needs to ever feel that abortion is the only choice. The abortion lobby is wrongfully attacking Pregnancy Centers with SB501

We feel that SB501 is a one sided bill clearly targeting pregnancy resource centers for their deeply held religious views of the sanctity of life by forcing them to promote abortion by posting or handing out the government’s favored view. Forcing pregnancy resource centers to refer for abortion in any manner violates their First Amendment rights of the freedom of speech and freedom of religion.

The additional regulations this bill creates will have to be monitored and enforced. This will create a cost to the state. This cost will, in essence, be created to regulate five private religious non-profit organizations that offer all services at no cost to clients and receive no federal or state funding.

Given its obvious disregard for the First Amendment rights of the religious organizations affected, we can only assume they will fight this law to the highest court. Due to the cost of having to defend this unconstitutional bill, we oppose the State of Hawaii using taxpayers dollars to defend it in the courts solely to regulate a handful of religious organizations doing no harm to society.

The state should not infringe their view on religious organizations and violate their First Amendment rights. Nor should the state waste tax payer dollars to defend unnecessary legislation.
For these reasons, we urge you to OPPOSE SB501.