Thursday, March 31, 2016

I held a baby!

4 simple words....I held a baby!

For many those 4 words may mean nothing as they sound so simple. Many people hold babies every single day. See a mom and baby and women tend to swarm to her, to congratulate her, to have a chance to hear the baby coo, and to hold or touch the baby.

Not me.

I walked by trying not to seem rude.

I wasn't always like this. I grew up around kids, I babysat, I held babies. No big deal. Until it became one. And the thing is, I didn't realize it had become a big deal until another post abortive mom mentioned how she "feared" pregnant woman.

I can't say I feared them after my abortion but I wasn't running up to them to talk baby stuff, to hear all the details, to ask about due dates, planning, and baby showers. Please oh please let those just pass me by!

And for the most part they did until things changed. Babies were everywhere! They were at my church cooing all around me and right in front of me. Co-workers were having babies left and right. It was a baby epidemic and I was shuddering inside. New babies were in the office and I tried not to see, to hear, or to appear rude. It wasn't their fault that their moment of joy was my moment of despair and mourning. And having a child after my abortion didn't make things better. You can never replace a life lost. Never.

Then one day I made a conscience decision. There was a co-worker in the office next to mine growing bigger and bigger with her pregnancy. I love this lady and her husband. They are both the dearest angels on Earth and I wanted to be happy for them. Really happy. So one day I decided to bite the bullet and do the hard thing. She would want through my office almost every day so I started not only saying good morning but asking every now and then how she was feeling. She would give me very brief pregnancy updates and I thank God for that. He knew what He was doing as I worked through my uncomfortable mind and asked about a pregnancy and a baby. Once again, something so simple for so many.

It got easier and months passed, she went on maternity leave, and one day I let myself smile at the baby in front of me at church. More months passed and just the other day, I held a baby!

The very same co-worker I was telling you about. She walked in the office with her gem and I smiled at the baby, talked baby talked, and the new mom asked if someone could hold her baby for a few minutes. I agreed and held the baby. The first time I have held a baby since mine 8 years ago. I came home from work that night and announced, "I held a baby!" I doubt my family understood the significance of that statement but to me it is a sign of continued healing. I held a baby.

I want to scream from the mountaintops, I held a baby!

This is big y'all, real big. There is a part of me that yearns to have another child but I am chalking it up to that biological clock. I am "old" and my husband is "older" so I think that ship has sunk but for now I am just beyond grateful that I held a baby! And she was precious. Just like all life. Life is precious.

Dear God,

Thank you for walking me through the steps to overcome my avoidance of pregnancy and new life. Thank you for helping to heal the wounds just enough so I can see and appreciate life. Thank you for your mercy, for forgiving me, and for turning my wrong into some sort of good in doing your work. I am thankful to be the Silent No More Regional Coordinator on Maui. Please grow my ministry and let me do your work on Earth to bring an end to abortion and healing to post abortive moms. I am here for them, O Lord. Guide them to me but not my will be done but yours.

In Jesus' name I pray,

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Goodbye Regret

I read a wonderful thing the other day about regret. In a nutshell, it said regret is the devil's work to keep you from finding the peace and joy that you deserve. Regret is a stumbling block to forgiving yourself and leaves you thinking more negative thoughts about yourself than you deserve.

Does this sound about right to you? Do you struggle with regret? Is it holding you back from living a life of joy?

It totally hit me very close to home as I had been reviewing my prayer journal that I started at the end of December. There are so many prayers saying how very sorry I am that I had an abortion. That I regret that choice. That I wish I was stronger and chose better. That I will carry the cross of my regret and do good. All good intentions but in all reality, as much as I was saying in one way that I have finally forgiven myself I was still holding onto regret and thinking about how weak I was. How wrong I was. How badly I messed up. Do you think our loving God wants us carrying that negativity each and every day?

I don't but I also know I need help in this battle in life. I need to ask Jesus to help me, to help me carry my cross in life, but to do it without tearing myself down with negative self talk. How can I love others and be merciful when I am so hard on myself? In a nutshell, I can't and neither can you if you are tearing yourself down with negative self talk and regret.

God loves all of us and like the prodigal son, He is waiting to welcome us home and celebrate. I am not saying life will be problem free. He never promised us that. I am not saying I won't be held accountable for my sins. I expect to be and in all reality, I think I may be harder on myself that God would be. He is much better at extending mercy than I am! I am working on that.

I want to be more like Jesus. I want to be loving, merciful, and reaching out to those in need. I want to see the "unseen" and bring joy into their day.

Dear God,

Thank you for today and your mercy and healing. Thank you for blessing me and I pray that you bring healing to all post-abortive mom and for an end to abortion. Help me to see those in need so I can help them. Help me to be more merciful to others and to myself. 

In Jesus' name I pray,