Thursday, March 31, 2016

I held a baby!

4 simple words....I held a baby!

For many those 4 words may mean nothing as they sound so simple. Many people hold babies every single day. See a mom and baby and women tend to swarm to her, to congratulate her, to have a chance to hear the baby coo, and to hold or touch the baby.

Not me.

I walked by trying not to seem rude.

I wasn't always like this. I grew up around kids, I babysat, I held babies. No big deal. Until it became one. And the thing is, I didn't realize it had become a big deal until another post abortive mom mentioned how she "feared" pregnant woman.

I can't say I feared them after my abortion but I wasn't running up to them to talk baby stuff, to hear all the details, to ask about due dates, planning, and baby showers. Please oh please let those just pass me by!

And for the most part they did until things changed. Babies were everywhere! They were at my church cooing all around me and right in front of me. Co-workers were having babies left and right. It was a baby epidemic and I was shuddering inside. New babies were in the office and I tried not to see, to hear, or to appear rude. It wasn't their fault that their moment of joy was my moment of despair and mourning. And having a child after my abortion didn't make things better. You can never replace a life lost. Never.

Then one day I made a conscience decision. There was a co-worker in the office next to mine growing bigger and bigger with her pregnancy. I love this lady and her husband. They are both the dearest angels on Earth and I wanted to be happy for them. Really happy. So one day I decided to bite the bullet and do the hard thing. She would want through my office almost every day so I started not only saying good morning but asking every now and then how she was feeling. She would give me very brief pregnancy updates and I thank God for that. He knew what He was doing as I worked through my uncomfortable mind and asked about a pregnancy and a baby. Once again, something so simple for so many.

It got easier and months passed, she went on maternity leave, and one day I let myself smile at the baby in front of me at church. More months passed and just the other day, I held a baby!

The very same co-worker I was telling you about. She walked in the office with her gem and I smiled at the baby, talked baby talked, and the new mom asked if someone could hold her baby for a few minutes. I agreed and held the baby. The first time I have held a baby since mine 8 years ago. I came home from work that night and announced, "I held a baby!" I doubt my family understood the significance of that statement but to me it is a sign of continued healing. I held a baby.

I want to scream from the mountaintops, I held a baby!

This is big y'all, real big. There is a part of me that yearns to have another child but I am chalking it up to that biological clock. I am "old" and my husband is "older" so I think that ship has sunk but for now I am just beyond grateful that I held a baby! And she was precious. Just like all life. Life is precious.

Dear God,

Thank you for walking me through the steps to overcome my avoidance of pregnancy and new life. Thank you for helping to heal the wounds just enough so I can see and appreciate life. Thank you for your mercy, for forgiving me, and for turning my wrong into some sort of good in doing your work. I am thankful to be the Silent No More Regional Coordinator on Maui. Please grow my ministry and let me do your work on Earth to bring an end to abortion and healing to post abortive moms. I am here for them, O Lord. Guide them to me but not my will be done but yours.

In Jesus' name I pray,

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