Today I am bringing things out of the archive with a testimony I wrote last year. It was originally published HERE.
Fifteen years ago I made the worst decision of my life.
had an abortion because I was coming out of a failed marriage, I was
having an affair with the baby's dad who said if I ever got pregnant I
would have to abort, and I was new to my job. I was told by many as soon
as I started that, if I ever became pregnant, I would lose my job. I
felt lost and alone...afraid to have a child with no job, no insurance,
and no family support. I was too embarrassed to tell my mom thousands of
miles away the predicament I was in.
I had my abortion at the
doctor's office. They gave me valium to take the night before, the
morning of, and after the abortion and that is all the instruction I
remember. I do remember the nurse not looking at me and the doctor
telling me not to look at the screen. I did and instantly regretted my
decision, but it was too late. The procedure was underway and I cried.
The doctor rushed to turn the screen out of my view but no one said
anything to me. I was told I could leave when it was done.
home I felt humiliated. The baby's dad gave me $100 and dropped me off
at my driveway. I was hurt and didn't want his money. I felt isolated
and alone. Co-workers called to check on me after the procedure, but I
had to lie about what it was for to protect my job. I was tired of lying
and stopped taking their calls. I cried alone in my bed for days.
Eventually, I had to go back to work and tried to pretend things were
okay, but they weren't.
This just led to a string of bad
relationships, if you can call them that, with other men. Things went
sour with the baby's dad, which, in all reality, was probably for the
best. But I had no value for my life. I didn't care if I got in a car
accident or died. My life didn't matter. This is when I started drinking
alcohol. Up to this point, I hardly ever had a drink. Eventually, I
met my current husband and my walls started going down and love entered
my heart. But once we had our first child things changed.
terrified every day of my pregnancy. I was so afraid I was going to lose
her and, after an emergency c-section, I was so thankful she was fine.
But I still fell into a deep depression. I remember sitting at the
changing table with her in front of me, probably close to a year old,
thinking I should be happier than this. I should "feel" something. I
slowly searched for help, but by this point my marriage was suffering.
felt so bad about myself, so ashamed of myself, so worthless that I put
unrealistic expectations on my husband to make me feel loved and
appreciated. But how can someone make you feel loved when you don't
love yourself? Our marriage is still shaky to this day, but I just
recently went to an abortion healing retreat. Rebirth and repairing the
wounds takes time. Dealing with the anxiety and panic attacks that have
been plaguing me the past couple of years takes time.
help and forgiveness through God, through going to confession, and
through attending an abortion healing retreat over a year after my
confession. It has been a long journey and forgiving myself was, and
still is sometimes, the hardest part. I still feel shame when I tell my
story, but I tell it as I feel that is what I am meant to do. Tell my
I am silent no more because God loves me so much and
forgave me. He has blessed me so much throughout my life and I feel He
has called me to take a stand and speak up about how abortion not only
harms the child but the mother too. The years of guilt and grief are far
worse than any bad I imagined could have come from having my child 15
But the shame I feel today is bearable and a reminder
that God is loving and forgiving. The shame is nothing in comparison to
the good I can do by telling my story. The shame reminds me that I am
human, I make mistakes, but through confession and listening to God, I
will continue to grow closer to Jesus.