Thursday, January 7, 2016

The depths of despair and beyond

I am going to be honest with you. I often blog when I am feeling strong but after Christmas I was feeling less than strong. I was tumbling down feeling less than wonderful. Why couldn't I have been strong like Mary and say yes to my unexpected pregnancy and have faith? The thing about abortion is the pain NEVER ends. You may get better at dealing with it, and sweeping it under the carpet or trying to ignore it does no one any good. You need to face it and accept it for what it is. Mourning the  loss of a loved one. Regretting a bad decision. Perhaps even hating yourself a bit too much some days and trying to find the way to extend mercy to yourself. After all, God loves you and will forgive you once you truly ask Him for forgiveness. But even though I have felt that wonderful, merciful forgiveness first hand, I still have tough days and on one of those tough days I started writing. I had no intention to blog it. I just had to write through my emotions and see where they brought me. After much reflection and prayer, I have decided to share my thought process with you today in hopes it can help someone else to realize, they are not alone. Bad days happen. Let's pull out of it together with God as our guide. But please note as you read this, my husband is also doing the best he can and I have to say, it must be really hard to be a "great" husband when a wife has so many deep wounds. And in those dark times, nothing is really as it seems. Abortion hurts relationships but that doesn't mean you should give up hope. With God, we are stronger and can win the battle.

I feel I am falling down a dark rabbit hole of despair. I had so many dreams for this year. I focused on having the courage -- the courage to face my sins and to set things right and the courage to speak my mind and make myself vulnerable with my beliefs. But in all of that I have only grown deeper and deeper in despair. My hearts aches so greatly for my marriage and my husband will never know my pain for when I talk he silences me and tells me I say it all wrong. And when he isn’t talking over me he is walking away or buried in the book. He says he doesn’t talk to me since I don’t talk but what am I to say? I have prayed and prayed for wisdom and have tried a million things. I have faith in God but also know we all have our own free will. It makes me feel as if my prayers are meaningless if my husband never chooses me.

I question how he can truly love me when he never wants to hear what I have to say. The hurt is piling up and I can barely breath. The tension is weighing on me and he wonders why I break apart. I am under constant pressure and trying with all my might to be loving, supportive and helpful. I have tried making coffee, breakfast in bed, and more intimacy --- all things he has asked for but what I have is never enough. I am never enough and feel in this world I will never be enough. I am just an awful critical wife who talks too much and expects too much even though so much of me is lost.

I miss being able to race and run and have a husband and child cheering me on. I miss my hand being held and hearing a reassuring voice. I miss having someone to go to when I feel all beat up and at the end of my rope. I miss having a shoulder to cry on and someone gently patting my head. I am tired of doing it all because it is not all mine to do. I need help and the only help I get is from far away words of support and the help of a 7 year old. She isn’t the one who should be taking on so much responsibility in life. What is this teaching her? That women are here only to serve men and that it is okay for men to say mean words?

Every time my husband says he can just pack his bags and leaves it tears me apart but he will never know the destruction I felt when he said those terrible words to a 7 year old girl. A 7 year old girl so much like myself many years ago. Brave and strong but slowly over time, my self esteem was edged away by hurtful words from those closest and dearest to me. I was never enough. I turned from God, I became promiscuous, and the road ended with abortion.

Dear God, I have totally messed up everything and have poisoned all I touch. I do not know how to repair this all and feel hopeless and in despair. I am lost, alone, and scared and feel this is my punishment for choosing to abort but dear God, please protect my family from the cross that I must bear.  Help me find my way on this dark and dreary past and help me to honor you in every future step.

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