Friday, November 13, 2015

If I could travel in time

With the 30th anniversary of Back to the Future time travel has been in the news and while listening to Immaculate Heart Radio the question was tossed out -- What would you do if you could travel in time?

My immediate response was my eyes welling up with tears, my heart rate escalating, my breathing rate increasing, as I instantly thought --- I would go back in time and stop myself from making the worst decision ever. I would NOT have an abortion and I cried for my precious child in Heaven and dreamed of holding her in my arms and hearing her laugh and then I hit a brick wall. CRASH. BANG.

All the imagined happiness was sucked right back out of me because time travel comes at a cost, doesn't it? There is the whole space time continuum. What if I went back and saved one child only to lose another? How on Earth could I live with that? And that, my dear, is the destructive force of abortion. There is no getting out of the despair and harm it causes. Okay, that isn't entirely true.

With God's healing grace I feel His forgiveness and am moving on in life serving Him better but those scars of abortion will NEVER be completely gone and forgotten. It will forever torment me because you can't completely erase the slate and memories. Forgiveness takes time in the human world. And once again, I told my precious child how sorry I was, asked for her prayers, and told her one day, by God's mercy, I would see her in Heaven. I dried my eyes and moved forward in life thanking God I did not have a time machine to mess things up again with.

Fast forward a few days and the question was broke back up on the radio on a day I just learned my cousin's wife had their baby and something bad happened and the baby is in NICU. Yes, give me that time machine! I will go back just a few hours to warn them and the doctors that something will happen and to be prepared. That would be okay, right? I would be saving a life, right?

Fast forward a few days again and I realized, no, I don't want a time machine. God knows what He is doing and I need to stop thinking that I know better. Baby is slowly getting stronger and showing the strength of prayers and God's love. His life has a purpose and me messing with events would mess things up again in ways I will never understand. You see, God's ways and thoughts are indeed higher than own our and out of the ashes of despair, He will create grandness.

And this includes creating grandness out of the ashes of despair and messes we can create on Earth. Oh what a loving Father he is to stand by our sides, calling us back, putting us down when we are flailing and kicking, and waiting to lovingly hold us in His awesome embrace.

God forgives and His mercy is GREAT! Those abortion scars are ever present but they are no longer bleeding non-stop and yes, sometimes life can tug at the edges and cause them to bleed but thank you God, I am not picking at those wounds as much anymore causing them to bleed. Life may snag them but I do not need to pick at them. I am learning to accept God's love and forgiveness and to forgive and love myself again. I am learning that I am a beloved daughter of God. I am learning I am able to do good and am not to be judged by my past. We all have mistakes in our pasts. Let us not have them define us but let's choose to be a better example of God's grace, love, and mercy every single day.

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