This past weekend I found myself falling down the hole of despair to a very dark pit of hopelessness and as I called out for help, a hug, to be cared for if only for 5 minutes, to not be criticized or have to hear hurtful words, to just be told I am sorry you are hurting but I found myself alone sobbing and turning to God pleading for him to show me the way. As much as I dream that my husband could hold and comfort me, he just walks away annoyed with me in times like these. This is in no means a way to pass judgement on him but to tell the truth....many post-abortive moms are left alone in their suffering and honestly, it can really suck sometimes.
But in my moment of feeling hopeless and alone, God led me to a beautiful song and the courage to attend a get together of like-minded ladies. Women who understand because they too are suffering the pain of abortion. It is a very difficult wound and burden to carry because shame, fear, and rejection keep many women silent and trust me, this is too big to carry alone.
I didn't realize it until someone else said it...holidays are tough. I have always been blue, for lack of a better word, through the holidays as they leave me feeling empty and unfulfilled. It starts with my birthday at the beginning of October. People ask what they can get me and honestly, there is nothing in a box that can make me feel joyful. I want a peaceful, loving family. That is it. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just peace and to feel loved, wanted, and accepted just the way I am.
God is great and can give us what we need but not always what we want and today as I was showering I broke down in tears and realized....all I want is my baby back. I want to hold that precious child. I wish I could have been strong like Mary and accepted my unexpected pregnancy with grace. I am in awe of her strength and courage and love that Joseph stepped in and supported her and cared for that precious baby. How loving is that? Wouldn't we all love that? To have someone stand by us through the rough and good times. I would but I fear the scars of abortion make it hard for me, and other women, to be trusting and feel lovable enough to accept the olive branch of comfort. Abortions make relationships tough.
If our wounds were more acceptable to talk about perhaps we would all be able to develop a better healing network and support system but there are places you can go for help. Don't be discouraged. There is help but in all reality, I feel the wound is so severe that it will always ache and perhaps by feeling my heart break so deeply today when I realized all I want is my baby back will help me take one more baby step forward on my personal path of healing.