Thursday, December 7, 2017

A letter to Grace

Written in May 2017 at a abortion healing retreat

My sweetest Grace,

Today you would be about 16 if I did not make that fatal choice. I cannot believe how quickly time goes by and I know you have been with me every step of the way, through thick and thin, through denial, self destruction, self hate, and torment that were reflections of my intense loss, grief, and guilt.

My dearest child, I believe we both know it is time for me to let go and I finally see letting go of pain is not loving you less.

When your grandfather died I cried myself to sleep for weeks but eventually the tears dried. I still miss him immensely and love him the same even though I cry less. For so long I hung onto my hurt as I felt that honored you but tonight, by the grace of God, which is how you received your name, I realized hurting myself does not honor you. Your grandfather would not want me to do that and I believe you wouldn't either.

Just the other day your sister told me, "Mom, I am happy you are happy." What amazing words from a 9 year old but those words are helping me to see you would feel the same.

I would be lost without my children and know you are equally precious and adored. You each are encouraging me along the way of my life journey and inspiring me to be a better mom. You are bringing me closer to our Lord and Savior and I can't imagine anything better than that. I yearn to hear the words, "Well done good and faithful servant" and to see you in the glory of Heaven and by God's grace, I will.

I love you, Grace, and am sorry for all I have done but now choose to honor your life by doing God's will and shining His light.

Rest in peace my precious child and please pray for me, your daddy, and your sister. I will continue to pray for you and now it is time to truly accept God's grace, to love myself, to forgive myself, and to be happy.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Who am I

Who am I
And where am I from
I'll never know

Adopted and loved
Given the gift of life
From my mom

But still curious
Like a tree without roots
Desiring solid ground

Feeling very alone
No ancestry no historical roots
Who am I

Adopted and loved
A precious child of God
Nothing else matters

She choose life
Alive because she was brave
Thank you God

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Finding Harmony

I look around
and see wonders of life
and I wonder

will the echo
of regret and sorrow within
always be heard

I crave peace
harmony and love of life
deep inner peace

my heart aches
more often than I want
tears silently fall

the sorrow within
the scars will never vanish
they are me

they remind me
of loneliness and weaker days
I craved love

I did anything
just to feel the love
from those around

I was foolish
love of others is nothing
compared to God

my heart yearns
to be filled with peace
peace of God

learning to live
with my sorrow and scars
can be hard

do you understand
do you see my pain
and my joy

I can hurt
but still feel God's joy
in my heart

my cross is heavy
but I am not alone
God is near

Thank you God
for the gift of you
in my life

my heart cries
tears of joy and gratitude
ease my pain

I found harmony
in the dark and light
notes of life

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Feeling Betrayed

It is a struggle some days to live with your past and to do what is right and just. I know I am to forgive those who hurt me...seventy times seven.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. ~ Matthew 18:21-22

I don't want to hold onto anger and hurt and yearn to forgive but sometimes those hurt feelings come back up to the surface and I have to question, have I really forgiven them?

There are times I want to yell out as the pain and heaviness on my heart feels like too much to bear. I question is this the cross/punishment I will always carry due to the weight of my sins. And yet, I know that I did not act alone. I know that I was misguided and misled in the lowest, scariest, and most confusing time of my life. Accepting that I did the best I could under those circumstances is hard and I just want to confront those I feel betrayed by and say, "You lied to me! You hurt me!"

And then I think of Jesus on the cross suffering and hurting but being so loving and gracious and I want to be like that. I wonder if I will ever get to that point when my grief is so deep and raw, when my heart is aching so severely, and when the tears keep streaming down my face.

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” ~ Luke 23:34

I fear the dream of a happy marriage, happy home, and happy family has forever been shattered. No longer a reality for this broken girl. Even as I slowly put all the pieces back together again and work to find my own healing through God's grace and mercy, I wonder if this cross I will always bear. God, please give me the strength. Jesus, I trust in you and need your help.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. ~ Matthew 11:28-30

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The anger inside

I am angry and that is okay.

Sometimes I get mad and that is okay.

I am mad I was coerced into an abortion.

I am mad I didn't have the emotional strength to say no.

I am mad and that is okay.

I was lied to and that makes me mad.

I was told to have the abortion to keep things secret.

I was scared due to so many lies.

I was betrayed.

The father revealed my secret.

I am angry and that is okay.

Sometimes I am mad at me.

Sometimes I am mad at him.

I am tired of being mad.

I want to be glad.

Dear God,

You are all powerful, great, and merciful. You have blessed me more than I deserve and for that I am forever thankful. But I still struggle with human weakness and need you. I need you to guide me along your path and help me to be as merciful to myself as you are to me. I kindly ask for you to wrap all those hurt by abortion in your loving embrace, to hug us and to wipe our tears away, and most importantly, to help us learn to forgive ourselves and to love ourselves again. 

In Jesus' name I pray,

Wednesday, April 5, 2017


Why can't I remember
The most devastating day
Why can't I remember the day, the month, the year

Why can I only see
Glimpses of that time
That forever impacted me

How can I find meaning
When all I see is blank
With not a single detail shining forth

How can I move on
When the pain inside is real
And all I want to do is scream it all out

How can I find healing
When I my heart is breaking
And I still feel so mad

How can I grieve
My lost and lovely child
When I feel so full of shame

How can I honor her life
To bring it some meaning
When I am so lost