For so long I hid my anger at him and the situation by just being mad at myself. Beating myself up seemed to be the logical, and right, thing to do. Even after bringing my sin into the confessional and feeling a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, it wasn't all gone. I still felt determined to punish myself and to see all the bad around me as just punishment for my sin. I brought the abortion back to the confessional a few times pretty much saying, I have confessed this but I am still hung up. Praise be to God I had wonderful priests that helped me move through this guilt and grief and move onward and upward.
Why am I sharing this?
Because I am not alone. Stats vary but hover around the range that 1 in 3 or 1 in 4 women have had an abortion. That is a lot of women. Look around you. In your office, in your family, in your church. If you are suffering the pain of a past abortion, you are not alone.
For so long I believed I was. I was the only one who allowed this shameful, terrible act to happen. What was I thinking? What was wrong with me?
But the thing is, I wasn't the only woman who had an abortion so that means, I am not the only woman who has felt pain after abortion. And I don't want you or any other woman to hurt especially for as long as I tortured myself. I want you to find the peace of God's love and forgiveness, the ability to forgive yourself, and the ability to love yourself maybe for the first time in your life. It is possible. I experienced it and I won't be the only woman who experiences it. You can too.
When researching stats for this post I stumbled across the 12 Signs of Spiritual Awakening ironically on the Silent No More Awareness website. I am only saying ironically because I am the Hawaii Regional Coordinator for Silent No More and you would think I would know all the links on their website. I need to do more research and self-training but I loved this list and will share it here (but please remember, I was not the original writer of these signs - and neither was Silent No More as it came from an unknown source).
- An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
- Frequent attacks of smiling.
- Feelings of being connected with others and nature.
- Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
- A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.
- An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
- A loss of ability to worry.
- A loss of interest in conflict.
- A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
- A loss of interest in judging others.
- A loss of interest in judging self.
- Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.
I can't say I have all these 12 steps under wraps but I am much better off with them now than I would have been just a year ago and backtrack a few years and I was a mess.
There is hope for you too.