Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Feeling Betrayed

It is a struggle some days to live with your past and to do what is right and just. I know I am to forgive those who hurt me...seventy times seven.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. ~ Matthew 18:21-22

I don't want to hold onto anger and hurt and yearn to forgive but sometimes those hurt feelings come back up to the surface and I have to question, have I really forgiven them?

There are times I want to yell out as the pain and heaviness on my heart feels like too much to bear. I question is this the cross/punishment I will always carry due to the weight of my sins. And yet, I know that I did not act alone. I know that I was misguided and misled in the lowest, scariest, and most confusing time of my life. Accepting that I did the best I could under those circumstances is hard and I just want to confront those I feel betrayed by and say, "You lied to me! You hurt me!"

And then I think of Jesus on the cross suffering and hurting but being so loving and gracious and I want to be like that. I wonder if I will ever get to that point when my grief is so deep and raw, when my heart is aching so severely, and when the tears keep streaming down my face.

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” ~ Luke 23:34

I fear the dream of a happy marriage, happy home, and happy family has forever been shattered. No longer a reality for this broken girl. Even as I slowly put all the pieces back together again and work to find my own healing through God's grace and mercy, I wonder if this cross I will always bear. God, please give me the strength. Jesus, I trust in you and need your help.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. ~ Matthew 11:28-30

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The anger inside

I am angry and that is okay.

Sometimes I get mad and that is okay.

I am mad I was coerced into an abortion.

I am mad I didn't have the emotional strength to say no.

I am mad and that is okay.

I was lied to and that makes me mad.

I was told to have the abortion to keep things secret.

I was scared due to so many lies.

I was betrayed.

The father revealed my secret.

I am angry and that is okay.

Sometimes I am mad at me.

Sometimes I am mad at him.

I am tired of being mad.

I want to be glad.

Dear God,

You are all powerful, great, and merciful. You have blessed me more than I deserve and for that I am forever thankful. But I still struggle with human weakness and need you. I need you to guide me along your path and help me to be as merciful to myself as you are to me. I kindly ask for you to wrap all those hurt by abortion in your loving embrace, to hug us and to wipe our tears away, and most importantly, to help us learn to forgive ourselves and to love ourselves again. 

In Jesus' name I pray,

Wednesday, April 5, 2017


Why can't I remember
The most devastating day
Why can't I remember the day, the month, the year

Why can I only see
Glimpses of that time
That forever impacted me

How can I find meaning
When all I see is blank
With not a single detail shining forth

How can I move on
When the pain inside is real
And all I want to do is scream it all out

How can I find healing
When I my heart is breaking
And I still feel so mad

How can I grieve
My lost and lovely child
When I feel so full of shame

How can I honor her life
To bring it some meaning
When I am so lost

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

PTSD/PASS - Pain after abortion

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can be experienced in women post abortion especially if they have kept their story silent. There is even a more specific name for this syndrome - Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS).

Some of the symptoms are:
  • Guilt which may be centered on the woman feeling she made a morally wrong choice or just fear of what others might think. This guilt can lead the woman into thinking the bad things that happen to her are just punishments for the mistake she made.
  • Anxiety in general or focused on fertility and whether or not she will be able to get pregnant again. 
  • If the woman does get pregnant again, it may be to "replace" the lost child or the pregnancy may be anxiety filled with fear of losing the child in or out of the womb. She then may experience problems bonding with the child post birth.
  • The woman struggles to relax and feels tense or has issues with dizziness, rapid/pounding heart beat, upset stomach, headaches, constant worrying, or sleep issues.
  • Avoiding children or pregnant women to avoid thinking of babies, pregnancy, or facing the emotions that may be stirred up by seeing or being around children. Related to this, is not being able to hear anything related to abortion or even being able to say the word "abortion".
  • Numbness and/or depression where feelings and emotions are suppressed to the point that the woman really doesn't feel/express joy anymore. The woman may shy away from others and fail to establish strong friendships. She may even turn to alcohol or drugs to numb her emotions.
  • Flashbacks to the time of the abortion or nightmares of the abortion and/or of children being harmed.
  • Suicidal thoughts or just feeling that her life would be better if she just died. 
If you are experiencing some of the symptoms above, please seek help. You are not alone.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Do you Hear?

Do you hear
my crying in the night
my heart grieves

Mourning my child
that once lived within me
gone now forever

I am lost
I am wandering all alone
who am I

I question myself
and all the choices I make
I lost trust

Help me God
I do not know how
to forgive myself

Monday, March 20, 2017

The Pain Within

My heart aches
My chest heavy with grief
My soul aches

My mind races
My focus comes and goes
My body heavy

My motivation wanes
My purpose in life vague
My hope wanes

My heart aches
My chest heavy with grief
My hidden pain

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Forgiven but not yet healed

The past six months or so have been a struggle. I honestly believe that my public testimonies in October and January tore at wounds and scars not fully healed. You can read about and hear my October testimony HERE and my January testimony will be posted soon.

But today I want to share a different story, a new story, the story of me figuring out that I am not as healed as I thought I was. In the past months I feel I have been falling down the dark rabbit hole into a deep depression. I was feeling hopeless, discouraged, afraid, lonely, and unmotivated. I was on edge, irritable, and honestly was beginning to annoy myself.

I reached out for help but didn't think I needed the help per se. I thought I just needed help with my struggling marriage. Coping mechanisms to deal with disappointment, frustration, and the worries of living paycheck to paycheck. I waited over a month to see the therapist and as soon as she asked, "What's up?" I broke down into tears and our discussion veered in a completely different direction.

I have no motivation to run. I can't sleep. I am having nightmares. I think of my baby every single day. My marriage is a struggle. I feel like a failure. I don't like myself. Correction, I hate myself at times.

As we discussed things deeper it came to her mind that I am still hurting. That I am stuck. That I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and need help. As soon as she said this, I agreed. I know that women who have had an abortion may experience PTSD. I always thought I kinda did but I also thought, I have it all under control. I went to a healing retreat. I am taking on an activist role. I can say the word "abortion" now and can hold a baby again. I am healed. Right? Nope. Not right.

My intense nightmares are a clue and there are so many more symptoms and the feeling that I have had in me for a very long time.

I never wanted to leave Rachel's Vineyard nearly two years ago if I remember right. Time is such a blur to me. I always felt pulled to go back. I have yearned and wished it was on island so I was closer to it and the people involved. I thought I was just trying to run and hide or to just be close to somewhere I felt safe and understood but I am getting a bigger understanding. I wanted to go back because I NEED to go back. I am not fully healed.

My protective walls and determination to move forward are holding me back....better yet, were holding me back. I didn't want all those walls to fall down. I feared and still fear what is behind them. After a prayer one day I felt God telling me that things are going to get harder for me but to have faith. That through that all will be good. I am beginning to see what the harder may be. My therapy is going to be hard. My therapist warned me and on March 13 I take the next step and get deep into my PTSD therapy. I am scared but hopeful.

It is still hard to run and I am logging many just a mile days to keep my running streak alive because I refuse to let depression, regret, etc break my running streak. I know I need to work out to keep as  many happy vibes going in my body as possible and thank you God for Beachbody and their programs that I can stream and shakes. Those are literally my life savers of fun workouts and good solid nutrition to help me through this hurdle.

I pray in the coming weeks and months that I will find the courage and strength (and words) to share on this blog and continue to speak out on the devastation abortion causes and how choosing life really matters.

Dear God,

Thank you for guiding me to Beachbody and therapy. I put my trust in you. Show me the way today to do your will, to help others who are hurting, and to grow stronger so that I may be your servant.

In Jesus' name I pray,