Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Journaling my way to peace

Today I wanted to share a coping strategy with you that may benefit you or others suffering from depression, anxiety, and the trauma caused by abortion. Some days are really tough. Today was one of those days and as I wanted to scream out for help I turned to something else. Journaling.

Actually writing "poems" that allow me to identify my feelings, and work through them, in a systematic way. The structure brings me comfort too as I work to put my feelings into a string of three lines with the formula of 3 words, 5 words, 3 words.....over and over again until I get to the end.

Today I did two poems. One on my pain and one as a prayer to God as I struggle to accept that people will never meet my needs but God can....and will.

THE PAIN

My heart aches
The pain consumes my body
I am crushed

I am searching
For a release from pain
I am crying

Did you see
Me barely able to move
before your eyes

Do you care
I am struggling deep inside
You walk away

Not one word
Comes from you to me
I can't speak

My heart breaks
I am struggling to breath
To just exist

Every step hurts
My heart and my bones
Scream in pain


THE PRAYER

Hear my prayer
God the giver of life
Come to me

I need you
I am alone in pain
Hear me Lord

Do you see
My efforts to keep going
I need help

I am sorry
For sins that offended you
Help me Lord

I am trying
To be faithful to you
To have hope

I am crying
Out to you my God
Hear my prayer

Thank you God
For always caring for me
Thank you God

Saturday, May 26, 2018

Oh Ireland

The vote to repeal the 8th ammendment in Ireland is gut wrenching and as much as I want to say, "Ireland! What were you thinking?!" this really isn't just an Ireland thing.

Yes, it was an Irish vote to legalize abortion but if you look at the big picture it is just a sign of the times. Life is not respected. I hate to say it but it isn't and it is breaking my heart. I feel I am stuck in another zone looking down on what is happening and just want to scream, "STOP!"

I am that person who sees all the signs as I have been there. I have made the mistakes. I believed the lies. It is a woman's choice. You can't tell a woman what to do with her body. You have no right to tell a woman that choosing to stay pregnant and have the baby is the right thing to do.

That is the lie.

You do have the right to tell the woman choosing life is best.

You do have the right to tell her choosing abortion is wrong. Wrong for the child. Wrong for her.

You do have the right to ask her what she is thinking, why she is doing this, what is going on.

I wish someone loved me enough to ask me those questions. I wish someone loved women enough to go against the mainstream flow and not just say, "Hey, I think abortion is wrong but it is her choice. Let it be. I will stay quiet and respect her choice."

Maybe if they stood up and spoke their mind they will hear my story.

I was terrified and believed I would lose my job if they found out I was pregnant. I was told this many times prior to becoming pregnant....by people who were at the company longer than me and in higher positions than me. It was said in "loving terms" - "Be careful girls. Don't get pregnant. You will be fired. This company doesn't keep pregnant girls."

On top of that, the father immediately said no to the child and immediately said get rid of it. NOW! He said he would have nothing to do with it and the couple of people I confided in told me the same. Get rid of it. It is just a blob like a tumor. Take care of your life and do what is best for you and baby.

I stupidly listened and have hated myself ever since. Well, almost. God not only forgave me but taught me how to forgive myself. He is showing me how to use that devastating day I want to erase from my life, and pretty much have blocked out of my memory as much as I have struggled to bring it all back into focus.

I lost a lot that day beside the innocent life of a precious child. I lost me - or who I was.

I am no longer happy go lucky and trusting of people. I struggle to trust anyone....including my husband. I suffer from PASS, which is a form of PTSD. I suffer from depression, anxiety, insomnia, and nightmares. And it never really goes away.

As much as I am healed in so many ways things can rip open those wounds anytime. Mother's Day should have been a day of joy with my daughter and husband but all I could think of was that I had two babies in Heaven - one from miscarriage, one from abortion. And I was mad at myself for not being happier for my child here on Earth trying to make my day so special.

And at the end of the day I broke down in tears shaking and she held me. She knows about my awful choice as I wanted her to hear it from me....not someone else....as I knew my story would be public when I signed up to be a RC for Silent No More. She went to speeches and Walks for Life with me and still will. I stepped back as RC as I felt I was failing and not reaching anyone in need. Perhaps I was letting my pride get in the way and I should re-address this choice because I am tired of being silent.

I am a woman and I have rights. You gave me the right to choose and I choose to say, "STOP! Stop all this craziness and start giving rights to the unborn."

Stop sugar coating things. Abortion hurts. Abortion destroys. Abortion is wrong. Deadly wrong and enough is enough!

It is time to take a stand and I stand for life. Life of the unborn and life of all women especially those who choose to abort because eventually they will wake up, like I did, and see the truth and have to come to terms that they killed a tiny, defenseless soul.

God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
God, have mercy on us.
Lord, forgive us, we do not know what we do.

Sunday, May 13, 2018

To the hurting moms

Mother's Day.

A day that is to be a day of joy for so many - but not everyone. There are people all around you today that may be hurting and grieving their lost babies whether they were lost through miscarriage or abortion. They are hurting and probably not saying anything about it.

Why?

Because it hurts too much.

If you are a grieving mom you understand. You understand how hard you are trying to keep it together especially if you have been blessed with other children. You may have a child or more trying to celebrate today with you but your heart is breaking, your lungs are aching, and your head is pounding. You are grieving loss and it hit me hard today. People don't want to hear about it.

People want to hear the happy stories. They ask you how you are but want the "okay", "wonderful", or "doing great"! They don't want to hear you are struggling to keep it together. Your heart is breaking. You miss your babies in heaven. You are overcome with grief, regret, sorrow, frustration, depression, and annoyance as you know there are a zillion things to be happy for but you are hurting. You feel all alone and if you suffer from depression too, that dark cloud may be over you again and that life sucking, draining, empty feeling over taking you making just moving an act of pure will power.

And it sucks.

So grieving mom, you are not alone. I am with you. I understand. I prayed for you today and if I could, I would sit down with you, buy you a cup of coffee, and ask you to share your story as I know you just want to talk....even if you don't know it yet. But talking gives that child you lost a life even if only in your heart.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

A letter to Grace

Written in May 2017 at a abortion healing retreat

My sweetest Grace,

Today you would be about 16 if I did not make that fatal choice. I cannot believe how quickly time goes by and I know you have been with me every step of the way, through thick and thin, through denial, self destruction, self hate, and torment that were reflections of my intense loss, grief, and guilt.

My dearest child, I believe we both know it is time for me to let go and I finally see letting go of pain is not loving you less.

When your grandfather died I cried myself to sleep for weeks but eventually the tears dried. I still miss him immensely and love him the same even though I cry less. For so long I hung onto my hurt as I felt that honored you but tonight, by the grace of God, which is how you received your name, I realized hurting myself does not honor you. Your grandfather would not want me to do that and I believe you wouldn't either.

Just the other day your sister told me, "Mom, I am happy you are happy." What amazing words from a 9 year old but those words are helping me to see you would feel the same.

I would be lost without my children and know you are equally precious and adored. You each are encouraging me along the way of my life journey and inspiring me to be a better mom. You are bringing me closer to our Lord and Savior and I can't imagine anything better than that. I yearn to hear the words, "Well done good and faithful servant" and to see you in the glory of Heaven and by God's grace, I will.

I love you, Grace, and am sorry for all I have done but now choose to honor your life by doing God's will and shining His light.

Rest in peace my precious child and please pray for me, your daddy, and your sister. I will continue to pray for you and now it is time to truly accept God's grace, to love myself, to forgive myself, and to be happy.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Who am I

Who am I
And where am I from
I'll never know

Adopted and loved
Given the gift of life
From my mom

But still curious
Like a tree without roots
Desiring solid ground

Feeling very alone
No ancestry no historical roots
Who am I

Adopted and loved
A precious child of God
Nothing else matters

She choose life
Alive because she was brave
Thank you God

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Finding Harmony

I look around
and see wonders of life
and I wonder

will the echo
of regret and sorrow within
always be heard

I crave peace
harmony and love of life
deep inner peace

my heart aches
more often than I want
tears silently fall

the sorrow within
the scars will never vanish
they are me

they remind me
of loneliness and weaker days
I craved love

I did anything
just to feel the love
from those around

I was foolish
love of others is nothing
compared to God

my heart yearns
to be filled with peace
peace of God

learning to live
with my sorrow and scars
can be hard

do you understand
do you see my pain
and my joy

I can hurt
but still feel God's joy
in my heart

my cross is heavy
but I am not alone
God is near

Thank you God
for the gift of you
in my life

my heart cries
tears of joy and gratitude
ease my pain

I found harmony
in the dark and light
notes of life